I’ve obviously been under a lot for a while. So naturally.. i’ve been feeling down in the dumps about my own art. I’m a really positive half glass full kind of person. But after months of feeling like I was being turned down or not noticed.. I started to allow the negative things get to me. Thinking.. maybe i’m not good enough anymore? It’s easy for that to happen when I’ve been confined in my office room with my own thoughts and I have to improve my own art and work on that on my own rather than having bubbly coworkers with different skill sets to learn things off of. I mean i know people have improved on their own. I did that my whole life. I didn’t have others to learn off of til I went to art school. But sometimes you need to surround yourself with other creative people to get better, i feel.
But it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. So easy that I felt so worthless.. that I started to apply to low level jobs, non art related. Some photo editing type stuff etc. And instead of feeling some bit better that hey I’m working alongside others, i felt like crap. I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m not an amateur artist, i have potential that I have to work hard on, and I know deep down I’m meant for so much more.
This morning I got a call from an old acquaintance. He used to work as a recruiter/ job placement counselor at my college. And me and one of my old friends used to meet up with him every now and then because our plan was to get noticed early on so after graduation we would be already acquainted with him and he would be eager to help us out. After a few months though from meeting him he sadly left the campus for a better job. So I lost contact with him and eventually years later reconnected with him on facebook. Out of the blue he gave me a call today. Talked to me about how I’m doing. What I’m looking for, etc. He was surprised I was out of a job. He continued by lifting my sprits a bit and telling me how he’s always thought highly of my art and I shouldn’t just settle, that I should continue pushing real hard to strive for bigger goals. The thing is I’ve been telling myself that, but I kinda lost sight of my previous ultimate goal to one day work at Dreamworks or Pixar, well, bc of life and life priorities. I get encouragement from friends here and there.. but I dunno.. i was still sore from the flame that extinguished in conquering my big big goals in life. Somehow, he made me feel like I can do it. He’s mentored students before and they ended up becoming successful, some of his students ended up working at Dreamworks and pixar. Maybe that’s why his words had an impact on me. Knowing that he wanted to reach out and do something for me and give me a push made me feel good. He urged me to draw from my heart, and post them up continually. To come up with stories and concepts and ideas and throw them up on my website, and make it a habit to create something on a weekly basis. (like this is something i feel like anyone could have told me). its something a lot of artists already do. But maybe I couldn’t push myself bc I was so unfocused on what to do portfolio wise. Sometimes I want to do fanart, bc people love fanart. Sometimes I want to do completed original art to add to my portfolio but I get busy and cant finish. I’m too ambitious and can’t seem to find one thing to stick to and finish one thing at a time. I’m way too much of a scatterbrain. And with no one to really guide me towards a better art portfolio.. it makes it worse. I’ve hit up professionals before to hopefully get a response and an idea of what I should do.. but I never hear from them. A lot of my discouragement comes from this. Bc lack of guidance. It’s really hard figuring it all out on my own. I have friends who went to Academy of Art or San jose State and they have a large community of artists to learn things off of. And by that I mean self promotion, participation in art shows and trade shows, etc. I majored in 3D modeling/ Visual Effects so there was no knowledge of art shows for concept artists being spread around my school. The older I get the more scared I get about being left behind.
But yeah, his words lifted me up. I felt that flame of my ultimate goals rekindling again for the first time in a long long time. There are those who juggle being a parent, while succeeding at their career, and working on personal projects/ films, AND taking classes.. all at freaking once. So what’s my excuse really? I should be taking advantage of these little moments i have instead of waiting for that perfect moment to draw and set myself free.
I need to do what I know I’m meant for. It was a nice moment to receive an unexpected random phone call and be told by someone I’m not really close to at all, that they believe i am capable of a lot. It was almost like God heard my prayers in asking, what should I do. And I kinda know now what I should do now.